Needs

I had surgery last week, and was told that I cannot have sex for 6 weeks. For any who know me, six weeks of no sex might as well be an eternity. On top of that, Phoenix and I have had a particularly stressful month.

So…. I planned a scene. I rigged a set up where I had his nipples clamped, and ran a rope through the clamps, around his cock and balls, and then up through the cuffs around his wrists. This was new for us, and it turned out quite well. We also had some heavy impact play, and when the scene was over, he was allowed to cum.

It’s interesting that even though no penetrative sex occurred, we both felt much better after. It’s as if we both needed to work out our tension. It’s nice when needs match so well, like pieces of a puzzle.

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When Life Happens

As you may have noticed, Phoenix and I haven’t written much lately. What’s that saying? Sometimes life happens. Oh wait…Sometimes shit happens. In our case it has seemed that at times the two terms were interchangeable. So what do you do when life happens?

Well, part of being human is that we only have a finite amount of energy. When things start going crazy, as they sometimes will, we have to prioritize. If you are in a part-time dynamic, that prioritization comes easy. When it’s a 24/7 dynamic, it’s not a clear. Do you prioritize the dynamic or the other things in your life?

For us, our relationship with each other came first, and our relationship, although it does have a heavy BDSM foundation, is about more. It is about loving and supporting each other. Just as any other relationship has times where the sex might be a little scarce for one reason or another, it’s okay to put the kink on the back burner and focus on your partner.

Your dom is suffering a bout of depression? Focus on their needs as a person, not as a dom.

Your sub is experiencing some extreme anxiety? Don’t make them more anxious by pressuring them to conform to the image of the perfect slave. Be their support.

Ultimately, BDSM is a relationship style, but it is still a relationship. Without the relationship, it’s just kinky sex. When life gets in the way, protect your relationship. If you’ve both been kinky before, you likely still will be after. I can guarantee that if you weather the storms together, you will have a stronger relationship after the winds die down.

And I’m Back

Sorry All!

Things in life started to get the most of me, and I had to shut a couple of things down in order to deal.  I cannot say they are completely dealt with, but I’m working on it and in a much better head space than I was a few months ago.  So, here I am again.

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  Why do you use that title? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Phoenix calls me his Lady, and he is my knight. That is currently my only title, though I have been called many things in the past: kitten, princess, little one, Miss, and Ma’am. Of all the titles I’ve resisted the most, Mistress just strikes a raw nerve with me. I can’t disassociate it from the vanilla use of the word.

As far as my current title goes, I am his Lady and he my knight, because while he is sexually submissive and generally acquiescent outside of the bedroom, he is not submissive in all things. I view him more as an equal, following medieval standards of chivalry. Our relationship is patterned after the romantic legends where a knight would swear fealty to and serve someone for life (in our case, his Lady). For some knights, this could include sexuality. The important factor, however, was the strength, protection, loyalty, and chivalry.

I used to place a lot of stock in titles; however, I am learning that a dynamic that works for the people involved is far more important than the title attached to it.

Day 28: Do you have a specific manner of dress for BDSM/kink activities What significance does your attire have to you?

This is one of those questions for which I don’t really have a simple answer. I do not wear the stereotypical “fetish” wear. I can’t stand the smell of leather, and I cringe to think of what I would look like in latex.

On the other hand, I am a little. So I suppose some of my attire could be considered “kink” related. I am comfortable wearing most of it in vanilla public however. Some of these things include hairbows and sundresses. I also have a few one-piece pajamas/costumes – namely a minions one, and a wonder woman one (complete with cape).

For me, “little” attire is simply an outward signal to those around me of what headspace I am in. As I am also dominant, it is important to me to signal to my partner when I am more little than dominant.

Day 27: Do you combine vanilla life with your kinky interests, or do you keep them in separate spheres? Why?

Some elements of my relationship do not look abnormal to a vanilla observer. Phoenix and I have a Female-led relationship (FLR). As such, to a vanilla person, this may sometimes look like Phoenix is doting, “never tells me no”, and is very attentive. The only thing that I would define as kinky would be my sex life, and I do not discuss my sex life typically, in vanilla or BDSM company.

Day 26: What do you think of on-line based BDSM/kink? Would you be involved in an on-line relationship?

Personally, I think the internet plays a growing role in introducing potential couples. Therefore, I don’t think that on-line kink can be ruled out. However, I believe that a successful relationship that begins on-line must have clearly communicated benchmarks that will ultimately culminate in a real-time relationship. I am not a big supporter of relationships that are strictly on-line, as there is no definitive way to really know someone until you’ve had face-to-face, meatspace interaction with them.

Domestic Abuse – The Cycle of Violence

I normally write about kink related topics, but today I have something else on my mind. Later today I will be going to court to seek a more long term no contact order, in an attempt to deter my stalker from continuing her threatening and harassing behaviour. So what does that have to do with domestic abuse? Well, my stalker is my SO’s ex, and she is the textbook domestic abuser. Unfortunately for him every time he tried to end the abuse, he was shamed and even blamed. He was told that he “allowed it to happen”.

First, let me say that domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, sexuality, race, etc. Often times, however, it is viewed in highly gender biased terms. When someone of unknown gender writes of being abused, we often assume they are female. When a male speaks out about being abused by a woman he either “allowed it to happen” or worse, he is portrayed as being the real abuser.

Second, domestic abuse has a pattern. Recognizing that pattern may help you, or someone you know, avoid or get out of a violent situation.

Third, abuse is not always physical. There are many types of abuse.

Cycle of Abuse

1. Honeymoon – Everything seems great during this stage. Your partner will go out of their way to do nice things for you, and you have hope for the relationship.

2. Routine – Things settle into a routine. Daily life is status quo. Maybe things aren’t so romantic, but life isn’t all roses, right?

3. Tension – The eggshells are piling up now. Little things spark frustration. Didn’t take out the trash on trash day a month ago? You’ll be reminded of that now.

4.  Trigger – Something sets off the abuser. Maybe they just got too drunk or maybe they had an exceptionally bad day.

5. Abuse – If this is the first time this has happened, maybe you’ll justify it. After all, no one is perfect, right?

6. Excuses / Victim Blaming – “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t made me mad”. ” I wouldn’t be so angry if you would just …”

7. Apology – In some models, this is called remorse; however, remorse prompts change. In the abusive cycle, there is no lasting change. In the apology stage, the abuser will apologize profusely in the hopes of maintaining their relationship with the victim.

At this point, the cycle reverts to the first stage, the honeymoon, and the loop begins again.

What Can We Do?

  • If you know someone stuck in a cycle of violence, do not blame the victim, regardless of their gender. People stay in domestic violence situations for a number of reasons, but it is never because they enjoy being abused.
  • Be cautious about confronting the abuser, unless you know the victim is safe. Confronting an abuser can often serve as the trigger for abuse, and make the abuse worse for the victim.
  • Support the victim patiently. Offer to help them get out of the situation, and be a shoulder for them to lean on. Leaving an abuser is difficult.

 

Day 23: How has your sexuality evolved since you first developed an interest in kink?

I discovered kink when I was in my early 20s, and when my sexuality was still forming. I got married very young, to someone who was extremely vanilla, though I was a traditional stay-at-home wife. It seems strange to me that being a homemaker is considered a kink to some. In any case, I did not discover the more extreme kinks until after my marriage was ending.

My discovery of kink was through a friend who was initially just seeking acceptance. He told me he was into “weird” stuff, and was worried I would judge him for it. When he shared those things with me, my initial reaction was one of intellectual interest. I couldn’t really say whether I would enjoy them, but I did want to know more. I eventually became his dominant, and together we explored many kinks. Some I discarded as being “not my thing”. Other’s I became enthralled with.

My experience as a dominant lasted many years. Eventually, I wanted to experiment with being a submissive, and through my exploration of “the other side of the slash” I discovered the Daddy/little dynamic. It is one that I enjoy thoroughly, but being dominant is much more a part of who I am.

I have been fortunate to find a submissive man who accepts my little nature and revels in my dominance. He is also a wonderful service top. With him, I don’t have to worry about labels or roles. We fit together well.