Headspace – My Perspective

Phoenix recently posted about headspace, which you can read here. This prompted an interesting discussion between the two of us, where he asked about my headspace and I struggled to explain it. I regularly inhabit multiple headspaces, and they are all distinctly different. As Phoenix stated, these posts are our attempts to explain what our own headspace looks like. They are by no means an effort to tell anyone else what their space should be.

Dom Space – In my dom space, there is no one but me and my submissive. The reactions I elicit from him fuel my arousal. At the same time, my senses are heightened. Every muscle twitch, sigh, and hitch of the breath becomes a signal. Do I continue pushing? Do I take a break? Do I soothe the burning pain, or do I stoke the fires more? These are decisions that I make in the moment, based on the reactions I perceive.

In addition to the heightened awareness making me a more attentive dominant, it also serves as an opportunity to become more attuned to my partner. I am pleased that my partner and I communicate as much as we do, but there are things that words cannot convey. These little signals become beacons of insight given enough attention and time. The more I learn my partners small cues, the better I understand him, his desires, his needs, and his emotions. It is this understanding that allows me to be the partner that he needs.

Primal Bottom Space: As a primal, I am almost always a bottom. I love being pinned down, having my neck bitten (within reason), scratches, and being flipped over and fucked until I scream. In my primal space, there are no extra thoughts. It is raw hedonism. While I am a bottom in this space, I do not stop being dominant. When I want more, I demand it. When I want my partner to do something different, I get it. It is in this place that “passion” becomes apparent. The raw energy of this place, when fully tapped, leaves me drained, exhausted, and sated.

Little Space: This space, in varying degrees, is my default. This is the place where I find happiness. This is the place that normalizes the sadism of dom space and the hedonism of primal space. After an intense evening (I hesitate to call it a scene, as my dynamic does not function on a scene by scene basis) my little space is what bring me back to reality. After Phoenix has gotten aftercare, and I have gotten aftercare, my little space is where I go to bring the laughter back. This is a place of innocence and trust. A place where my partner is my safe place and my light. In this place, love is shown in the form of nose boops and raspberries. My partner responds to this with a tender affection.

Note: There are many more aspects to my little space, that would require a post all of its own. I’ve included it here briefly just to provide a more complete picture of the layers that make up my headspace.

Combine the three head spaces and you start to get somewhat of an idea of why I do the things I do. Again, this is just what headspace is like for me. These descriptions may resonate with you, or they may not. Hopefully, these posts can serve as an inspiration for self-exploration and reflection, and maybe some talking points with your partner if you have one.

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Be Little not a Spoiled Bitch

I read yet another post today about why one shouldn’t leave a little alone. Those posts can be cute. I get it. Unsupervised littles and glitter….well, glitter physics. But what I read was anything but cute. It described temper tantrums, violence, lack of respect for others, and little to no impulse control.

I’m sorry, but did I miss the memo that said that littles were exempt from being rational, sane, adults? If you have so little control of yourself when unsupervised, why would anyone believe you were capable of rationally consenting to sexual activity?

If you want to act that way, that’s on you. But please stop doing it in the name of being little.

How Being a Dominant Little Works

In a previous post, I addressed the fact that I am a dominant little, and Phoenix wrote a post sharing his side of things. I am still frequently asked how that works, and I welcome the opportunity to try to explain. Last night, I had a conversation with a friend about this, and I realized that in that conversation I explained it better than I ever had before.

Friend: I wondered how that worked for you. Being little at the core but the dominant one in your dynamic. Almost sounds like a recipe for destruction. I know if I let redacted drive the bus we are going off a cliff.

Me: I am not the typical little…and Phoenix is not the typical submissive. He is very protective and ensures that the pesky adult stuff gets handled with regularity. But for him, protecting me and doing the adult things is a service for him. He doesn’t view what he does as dominance because he is serving me by doing them. He doesn’t view himself as a Daddy, although at times I do.

There are some things to note in that exchange. First, being a little is “at the core”. It is something that is fundamental to who I am. When I can’t sleep at night, I either snuggle closely into Phoenix or I go snuggle with George, my 5 foot stuffed gorilla. I will get distracted by all things shiny or sparkly, and don’t get me started on what happens when someone else mentions that they are making tutus. (Speaking of tutus…I definitely have a tutu making, sparkle fest planned for today).

There is more to littles than just a love of plushies and sparkly things. It’s a certain attitude, and perception of the world. I find it very difficult to describe, but if you have ever met a little, even an atypical one such as myself, you will know what I’m talking about. I could go into the backstory of how I realized I was a little, but that’s for a different time. Suffice it to say, that being a little has been a fundamental part of my personality for as long as I can remember, though I didn’t have a word for it until a few years ago. On the other hand, being dominant and being a leader is also a fundamental part of who I am.

Enter the second part of that exchange: Phoenix. He is a service-oriented submissive, but he is also very traditionally masculine, and protective. I hesitate to call him nurturing, because that word doesn’t completely apply to him, and that’s okay with me. When I am sick or in pain (and I live in chronic pain), I don’t really want someone spoon-feeding me soup or fawning over me. Just let me suffer in peace.

So what does service-oriented look like for us? Well, like I mentioned in the conversation, Phoenix takes care of the pesky adult things for me, like making sure bills get paid, trash gets taken out, etc. For him, this is a way of “taking care” of me. For me, it allows me to enjoy my little-space without a nagging worry in the back of my head that I’m forgetting something. Phoenix also does traditional service tasks like foot rubs, and running my bath, and *gasp* making me a sandwich. Sexually, I lead. I decide when and how we will have sex, what (if any) kink will come into play that night, and when he will be allowed to have an orgasm.

The last thing I mentioned is that Phoenix does not view himself as a Daddy, though sometimes I do. Phoenix, in his own words, is just Phoenix. There is nothing more or less to him than who he is. And no, he is not the stereotypical Daddy that you hear so much about in the plethora of ddlg writings, but then, I am not the stereotypical little.

I do have a mentor who fits the bill of stereotypical Daddy, and in fact, he was my Daddy when I lived near him. While I was submissive to him, and still would be if we were in a relationship, he recognized very quickly that I was dominant. He does not mentor my little nature. He mentors me as a dominant, but does it in a way that my little side understands. Maybe I am a little that “grew up”, but never stopped being Daddy’s princess.

My Bartender is a Little

As many of you know, I am a little. It is fundamentally part of who I am, yet it has little to nothing to do with my sexuality. The lifestyle simply helped me put a word on what I already was, and find acceptance for it. Since being a little is not tied to my sexuality, I am very out about it. I will openly wear hairbow, watch cartoons, colour, and in general, act, well, little. Because of this, I seem to draw out “little” traits in those around me, as I create an atmosphere of acceptance.

Well, that atmosphere of acceptance has revealed that my favorite bartender is a little. I doubt she has a word for it yet, but the unmistakable traits are there. When we are together, our energy feeds off each other. Last night was one of those nights.

Being a small town bar, Wednesday nights are not very busy, and Phoenix and I deliberately avoid the more crowded times. As we sat at the bar eating our burgers and having a few beers, the bartender (I’ll call her Lily…name clearly changed to protect identities) was making a tutu for her daughter for Easter. I was already aware of Lily’s love of tutus as she wore one to work for St. Patrick’s day.

I thought a hot pink and black tutu would look great with my black tights and a black dinosaur shirt that I have, so I asked her if she could make me one. This led into me browsing tutus on Google images, and after two hours of getting very excited about all things shimmery, sparkly, shiny, and sheer, Lily was clearly excited by someone who shared her enthusiasm for tutus. At some point in the conversation she also told me that she loved My Little Pony, colouring (complete with descriptions of the colouring books she has), and glitter.

Now, the only thing that remains to be seen is whether Phoenix can handle two littles around, as he was completely unaware of what littles were until two months ago.

A Dominant Little

I am aware that the most typical dynamic for  a little to find themselves in is that of a caregiver/little, with the little as the submissive partner. While there is nothing wrong with that dynamic, and indeed, it is one that I have been in myself, that is not what being a little is to me.

For me, being little is a fundamental part of my personality. I enjoy many stereotypical “little” things, such as coloring, Disney movies, hair bows, hot wheels, and Happy Meals. I don’t stop being little just because I engage in “adult” activities. I am just as easily distracted by a butterfly at the park as I am by a shiny bauble at the bar. This does not change my ability to rationalize and function as an adult. It simply changes how I process things within my own head.

Being a dominant is a function of my relationship with my knight, and of my sexuality. I am a sensual sadist and a rigger. So, how does being little fit into that? Perhaps Phoenix could answer that question better than I, as he is on the receiving end of it, but I will do my best by providing some examples.

In dominant headspace, I am focused intently on my submissive. However, my rope (of which I have multiple colors) often end in bows. My crop is rainbow colored. Grunts of pain are likely to produce a most decidedly undignified giggle from me. This does not make me a less effective dominant. It does, however, make me not for everyone. Those that know me well and play with me understand that a giggle is a sign of delighted amusement.

I put the fun in “fucking fun”.