Accepting Service

Phoenix is a service-oriented submissive. He enjoys meeting my needs and desires. I am, by nature, a do-it-myself-er. I can fix the toilet myself. I can change my oil myself. And for all that’s holy, I can certainly make myself a cup of tea. But that’s not the point. The point is I have a submissive who wants and needs to serve me. So how do you accept someone’s service?

For me, personally, it is not about asking him to serve. It is about providing opportunities for him to serve.

Example: I recently had some corrosion on my car battery (and a dead battery). Yes, I could have cleaned the leads myself. I could have jump started it myself. By advising him of the problem, and then giving him the time to take care of it, I provided him an opportunity to serve me.

In that example, would he have been upset if I did it myself? I doubt it. But over time, if I consistently do it myself, how is his need being met?

As his dominant, I take the lead. But being dominant does not mean it’s all about me. The dominant/submissive relationship is a symbiotic one. Without his submission, I am not his dominant. Without his needs being met, he will not continue to freely give his submission.

Accepting service isn’t about having someone at your beck and call. It’s about providing opportunities for them to show their love and submission in a way that they enjoy.

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When Monogamy Meets Polyamory

I’ve never been good at monogamy. For one, I love women…and men. I prefer to be in a relationship with a man, but that itch for women starts up, and there are somethings a man just can’t do for me, like have a vagina or gorgeous tits. There are other reasons for me not being monogamous. I have many layers, and I believe it is unfair to expect one single person to be able to meet all of my sexual and D/s needs. I don’t think it’s fair to expect a sub to play Daddy when my little side needs some Daddy-time.

I don’t have to justify why I am poly, I just am. And after several failed attempts at forcing myself to be monogamous, I embraced poly. Every new relationship I consider starts with the knowledge that they are not the only one in my life. If they are the only one for some reason, then I start with the discussion that them being the only one may not be a permanent arrangement.

Yes, being poly has limited my partner pool. And that’s okay.

More recently, however, I began a relationship with a man who was very clearly and adamantly monogamous. I stated that I was not monogamous, and possibly never would be. His response took me off-guard. He said, “That’s ok. I said that I was monogamous. Not that you had to be.”

Up until then, I had not considered a relationship with a monogamous person. Usually the “I’m monogamous” statement was the end of any relationship thought. So, I’m very much still acclimating.

What dating a monogamous partner has taught me is this:
– He won’t try to change me, but sex without his knowledge is still cheating.
– For that matter, scenes without his knowledge is cheating.
– He is completely devoted to me, and I have taken him on as my only submissive. I need to make sure that I am meeting his needs.
– Yes, I can have sex with someone else or be in a relationship with someone else, but rather than think about whether I can, I have to think about whether I should.

These are all new things to think about for someone who is used to having compartmentalized relationships.

My Journey, Part Six

I am nearing the end of this marathon, I assure you.  Just a brief tour of the basics that have been my life and experiences in the lifestyle so far.

Once I had a name to go with the sexual concept in my mind, and a fair amount of research and self knowledge under my belt, I gently broached the subject of doing anything kinky with my girlfriend at the time.  She was definitely interested, even mentioning that she would go through my browser history while I was at work on third shift.  So my journey, with no pun intended, was out of my hands and head for the first time, in the care of someone else.

Now, neither of us had any real or useful experience, just our thoughts, fantasies, and a healthy desire to pursue them.  So, that is what we set out to do, together.  I had my ideas, she had quite a few of her own, and we basically agreed to meet in the middle and alternate between whose idea we were trying as long as neither of us had a major concern or limit about it.  I got to try many things that I hadn’t thought about yet.  I like to think she did, also.  I almost hesitate to refer to our relationship as a 24/7 lifestyle one, even though by the end of it certainly fit the bill from an activity standpoint.  Even though she was always the dominant partner and I the sub, the level of equal input into what we were doing, what we were exploring, made it one of the most equality driven D/s relationships I have ever been in.

This first adult, willing experience with BDSM was quite satisfying.  The actual relationship lasted just over four years, and we continued to play together another nine months until personal issues on my part forced a move to another state.  Each of my subsequent relationships have had elements of BDSM of varying degrees.  Some, as you might imagine, were more successful and fulfilling than others.  But that is true of any series of relationships, regardless of the sexual palette being used.

There was one huge exception in these relationships, though.  None of the women had any experience in the lifestyle, so I was the more experienced.  It created a scenario of “topping from the bottom” for me.  Basically, they were centered around what I liked, therefore both of us were left with the distinct feeling of “I’ll do that for you…  if you really want.”  While I cannot say the scenes were not enjoyable, I can honestly say the emotional fallout was not worth it.

I eventually got married, and had kids, with a woman that when we first dated we incorporated BDSM.  By the time we married, she had decided it was not something she was interested in, and I was okay with that.  Later on, her opinion changed again, so we negotiated the terms of that part of our relationship.  After a couple of years, it changed yet again, back to her not being interested.  I could write another whole series of posts on just my marriage, but I won’t.  It is enough to say that eventually the marriage ended, largely due to her infidelity and abuse. (Yes, men can be abused by the women they are with)

Now, in present time, I am in a 24/7 dynamic relationship with my Lady (you, fine readers, know her as Malady).  For the first time, I am with someone with knowledge of themselves and the lifestyle rivaling if not surpassing my own.  It is to her that I owe the biggest thank you to for introducing me not only to acceptance, but to the larger real world lifestyle community.  I feel like I am home, with family, for the first time.

When a Dominant Kneels

When you think of kneeling in front of someone, do you automatically think of submission? I know I used to.

While kneeling certainly can be an outward display of submission, it is so much more. When you kneel before someone, you are showing them that you cherish, honor, and respect them. There is a tenderness that comes with the act of kneeling.

The kneeling Dominant is such a powerful image, as they kneel before their submissive to help them tie shoe, to steady them as they get undressed, or just to be at eye level with they while they soak in the tub.

When a Dominant kneels, they are showing they partner that they are valued. They are more than a toy to them. Their strength is in their humility.

His Needs

He was drowning in thought and emotion.
Struggling to keep his head above water, too focused on surviving to cry out for help.

I watched him get lost, feeling around the depths of his own mind
Searching for the light

I reached out, pulled him from the sea of doubt
Raised a torch to light his way

He asked for escape
I let him get lost in me

He asked for pain
I left bruises

He needed my love
I loved him the best way I know how

His escape was about him
Not me

He is mine
His needs are mine

My hand, my light, my love
With these things he will always find his way home