The Depressed Sub

I have a sneaking suspicion this isn’t going to be very popular, but oh well. Here goes anyway.

I am a sub, not a fucking robot. I see all the time doms complaining that they are not fetish dispensers, and I agree with that. I’m not one either! Even for my partner, I am not always submissive. It’s not me being bratty, or obstinate, or any other derogatory term you wish to fashion. In reality, it is that there are times when I simply cannot be submissive.

I am fully aware this is a choice that I am making. But, believe me, I make it with both my partner and myself in mind. The times I cannot be submissive are almost entirely driven by my depression. I have to make the choice to not submit, or find alternative means of pleasing my partner, in order to ensure my own mental well-being as well as the well-being of the relationship. It’s not an easy thing to do when the only thing my brain wants to do is dig itself deeper into whatever dark cavern triggered the bout of depression.

Everyone gets depressed. It is a quite normal emotional state. The difference is that the vast majority of people can change what they are doing, temporarily change their environment, or simply “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” and break the mental cycle. Those of us with depression, are unable to do any of the above. We end up digging ourselves such a deep mental hole, bouncing from one depressant thought to the next, that eventually we don’t know which way is up much less how to break the vicious cycle of our own thoughts. Often, the entire mental cycle is accompanied with thoughts of severe self loathing, general unworthiness, and self doubt.

Now, imagine just for a moment, someone in this emotional state submitting to a beating, being humiliated and degraded, or submitting to any number of socially unacceptable sex acts. Trust me, it is not a pretty picture. The simple act of submitting, and the resulting thought patterns, in many ways mimics the symptoms of depression. For anyone already in the grip of depression, it can often intensify them to a completely intolerable point. The damage to be caused to a person in this state is very real and long lasting. The damage to the relationship is also very real and most likely permanent.

So, if your sub is suddenly not so subby, or acting completely out of character, you may do well to think back over the past couple of days. Did something happen with work, family, a night out? Or, {insert shocked gasp here}, how about try talking to your sub beyond demands, requests and to-do lists. Your relationship will thank you for it!

Does experience matter?

I responded to a post yesterday about a more experienced submissive than the dominant they were in a relationship with. I have been in that position a couple of different times, so it wasn’t hard to offer advice. However, without derailing their post entirely, I could not in good conscious say all that I had to say on the subject.

Now, we all get into relationships with partners of varying levels of experience compared to our own. It is the nature of everyone being an individual. A person can have years of experience as a rope top or bottom and none in corporeal punishment. There are folks with experience in degradation and humiliation that have no idea how to handle a service oriented submissive though they have always been the dominant in their previous relationships. The comparisons are as numerous as the experiences you can think of.

The question of mentors came up in the replies, and I agreed that they can be useful in having questions answered about specific activities. If you want to learn how to successfully and safely suspend a human in rope bondage, having a mentor that has experience in doing so is definitely going to come in handy. If you stop and think about it, it only makes sense.

What I did not want to say in my comment was there is a whole area of experience that while harder to quantify and define may well be even more important over all. It is not experience in specific activities that I allude to, but rather the experience of living in the mind and body of an individual. This is true for both dominants and submissives. It is impossible for a person to know everything that is in the mind of another. We can come close with communication, but I highly doubt an individual ever divulges all their own deepest, darkest secrets. These individual, and largely internal, experiences do not nullify the fact that they are experiences at all, even if they have only happened in the imagination. The human imagination, combined with a cursory sense of research, is a very powerful thing. After all, it is our imaginations that form our fantasies in the first place, without experience or research. It is this mental adventuring that in fact leads most of us to our respective roles within any lifestyle relationship.

So, back to the question of does experience matter? Yes and no would have to be the only logical answer. If you are only concerned with specific activities, it definitely does, and should. But in terms of a relationship, the emphasis on experience is lessened by the fact that we are all individuals. There is no “One Twue Way” that is going to work for everyone. Each relationship is a unique entity, and should be approached and treated as such. It is not so much about each person’s experience, but the experiences that can be created, shared and enjoyed between two unique individuals.

Silencing the Voices

Sometimes we reach a point in life when the voices we hear every day become a cacophony. This is particularly true regarding the “lifestyle”. In a lifestyle where there is no right way, there are a myriad of opinions about what a dominant should and shouldn’t do, what a submissive should and shouldn’t be, whether one can truly call themselves dominant, etc.

It’s all bullshit. And sometimes you have to take a break from the voices. Put down the phone, step away from the computer, and get back to what really matters. Your voice. Your opinion.

Don’t lose yourself in the clamor.

The only opinions that really matter are yours, and your partner’s, if you have one.