Headspace – My Perspective

Phoenix recently posted about headspace, which you can read here. This prompted an interesting discussion between the two of us, where he asked about my headspace and I struggled to explain it. I regularly inhabit multiple headspaces, and they are all distinctly different. As Phoenix stated, these posts are our attempts to explain what our own headspace looks like. They are by no means an effort to tell anyone else what their space should be.

Dom Space – In my dom space, there is no one but me and my submissive. The reactions I elicit from him fuel my arousal. At the same time, my senses are heightened. Every muscle twitch, sigh, and hitch of the breath becomes a signal. Do I continue pushing? Do I take a break? Do I soothe the burning pain, or do I stoke the fires more? These are decisions that I make in the moment, based on the reactions I perceive.

In addition to the heightened awareness making me a more attentive dominant, it also serves as an opportunity to become more attuned to my partner. I am pleased that my partner and I communicate as much as we do, but there are things that words cannot convey. These little signals become beacons of insight given enough attention and time. The more I learn my partners small cues, the better I understand him, his desires, his needs, and his emotions. It is this understanding that allows me to be the partner that he needs.

Primal Bottom Space: As a primal, I am almost always a bottom. I love being pinned down, having my neck bitten (within reason), scratches, and being flipped over and fucked until I scream. In my primal space, there are no extra thoughts. It is raw hedonism. While I am a bottom in this space, I do not stop being dominant. When I want more, I demand it. When I want my partner to do something different, I get it. It is in this place that “passion” becomes apparent. The raw energy of this place, when fully tapped, leaves me drained, exhausted, and sated.

Little Space: This space, in varying degrees, is my default. This is the place where I find happiness. This is the place that normalizes the sadism of dom space and the hedonism of primal space. After an intense evening (I hesitate to call it a scene, as my dynamic does not function on a scene by scene basis) my little space is what bring me back to reality. After Phoenix has gotten aftercare, and I have gotten aftercare, my little space is where I go to bring the laughter back. This is a place of innocence and trust. A place where my partner is my safe place and my light. In this place, love is shown in the form of nose boops and raspberries. My partner responds to this with a tender affection.

Note: There are many more aspects to my little space, that would require a post all of its own. I’ve included it here briefly just to provide a more complete picture of the layers that make up my headspace.

Combine the three head spaces and you start to get somewhat of an idea of why I do the things I do. Again, this is just what headspace is like for me. These descriptions may resonate with you, or they may not. Hopefully, these posts can serve as an inspiration for self-exploration and reflection, and maybe some talking points with your partner if you have one.

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Nurturing the Bond of Dominance

A few days ago, Talllover64 wrote a post titled, Nurturing the Bond of Submission. One of the comments on that post was that it seemed as if he was saying that the responsibility for nurturing the relationship fell totally on the submissive. As written from his point of view, he was indeed saying that the submissive had responsibility for nurturing the relationship; however, he was not saying that the submissive had the sole responsibility. The dominant does have responsibility to nurture the relationship as well.

I intended to write a corresponding post from the dominant’s perspective; however, many of the points raised in the original post are as valid from the dominant side. Therefore, I will borrow heavily from his original post. All sections in italics are from the original writing.

In a D/s relationship, a strong bond can develop between Dominant and submissive partners that is founded on mutual trust and shared experiences. This bond is like nothing else I have ever felt between myself and another. It is a beautiful, wonderful and sensual connection between two persons that is indescribably joyful.

Something that is key to me here is the foundation of mutual trust. It is often mentioned that the submissive must trust their dominant. That is not a one way street, however.  The dominant must also trust the submissive. We can do everything in our power to ensure that our submissive is happy and healthy, but we have to trust that they will let us know when something is amiss. Many of the things that occur or can occur within a d/s relationship are things that we, as dominants, know others may judge us for. Sadism, humiliation, control, possessiveness, etc. We trust that our submissive will not judge us as less human for engaging in these things once we have their consent.

Shared experience: For me, that is how the mutual trust is built. Some level of trust can be given from the beginning. It is what allows us to pursue a relationship, a friendship, a flirtationship. Any level of positive interaction with another human being require some initial investment of trust. As we share our past experiences through communication, and we make new experiences with each other, that trust either grows or is chipped away.

I view trust like bricks in a wall. Walls, in the context of a relationship, are usually used as a metaphor for something negative, something to keep someone out. Yes, walls do keep things out, but they also keep things in. Things like warmth, safety, security. If we view trust as bricks, then we bring the first bricks to the relationship. Our shared experiences can serve either as mortar or as a hammer. As the frequency of our interactions increase in a positive manner, we are cementing together the bricks, strengthening our wall, adding new bricks as we go.  If the interactions are negative, they act as a hammer, knocking bricks off the wall.

 

As a submissive, I forgot that I have responsibilities in the relationship. I forgot that I need to act and not just react to my Dominant partner. The lesson I learned is that as the submissive you have a responsibility in ensuring the success of the relationship. The bond of submission must be nurtured and cared for, and it must be nurtured and cared for by you.

While written in the context of a lesson learned from a past relationship, Talllover64 was spot on with this….except the paragraph could be just as easily written with the roles swapped. As the dominant, I have a responsibility in ensuring the success of the relationship. The bond must be nurtured and cared for by me. If I am contributing more bricks and mortar to the wall, and I am checking for cracks, and flaws, then I am doing my part. If my submissive is also doing the same, then we ensure our best chance for a strong wall. If my submissive stops helping me build the wall, I have a responsibility to call this to their attention, to find out why they have stopped.

However, to a submissive entering into the world of kink for the first time, exploring my submissive self for the first time, engaging in a D/s relationship for the first time, and trying to please a Dominant partner for the first time, nothing was obvious, and nothing seemed normal.

I was a new dominant almost a decade ago, and nothing was obvious to me either. I got focused on the things…all the things. Restraints and paddles and toys, oh my!! I forgot to nurture trust and share of myself. I forgot to grow in my dominance with my submissive.

To those contemplating entering into a D/s relationship as a submissive and to those already in a D/s relationship as a submissive, don’t forget to about your bond with your partner. This bond is precious. This bond sustains and grows the relationship. As a submissive, there is no better feeling in the world but to know the deep joy that fills you when you please your Dominant partner.

Nurture this bond through communication with your partner. Nurture this bond by telling your partner everything. No matter how stupid, no matter how inane, no matter how trivial, say it. Tell your partner like your relationship depends on it because it does.

To those contemplating entering into a d/s relationship as a dominant and to those already in a s/s relationship as a dominant, don’t forget to about your bond with your partner. This bond is precious. This bond sustains and grows the relationship. As a dominant, there is no better feeling in the world but to know the deep joy that fills your submissive when they feel safe in your dominance. When, no matter how hard you push them, they find peace in your arms.

Nurture this bond through communication with your partner. Nurture this bond by telling your partner everything. As a dominant, it is your responsibility to make sure that your partner is in an appropriate headspace to process what you are telling them. Don’t abuse their subspace. Keep their headspace safe. But do tell your partner what is on your mind. Tell your partner like your relationship depends on it because it does.

How Being a Dominant Little Works

In a previous post, I addressed the fact that I am a dominant little, and Phoenix wrote a post sharing his side of things. I am still frequently asked how that works, and I welcome the opportunity to try to explain. Last night, I had a conversation with a friend about this, and I realized that in that conversation I explained it better than I ever had before.

Friend: I wondered how that worked for you. Being little at the core but the dominant one in your dynamic. Almost sounds like a recipe for destruction. I know if I let redacted drive the bus we are going off a cliff.

Me: I am not the typical little…and Phoenix is not the typical submissive. He is very protective and ensures that the pesky adult stuff gets handled with regularity. But for him, protecting me and doing the adult things is a service for him. He doesn’t view what he does as dominance because he is serving me by doing them. He doesn’t view himself as a Daddy, although at times I do.

There are some things to note in that exchange. First, being a little is “at the core”. It is something that is fundamental to who I am. When I can’t sleep at night, I either snuggle closely into Phoenix or I go snuggle with George, my 5 foot stuffed gorilla. I will get distracted by all things shiny or sparkly, and don’t get me started on what happens when someone else mentions that they are making tutus. (Speaking of tutus…I definitely have a tutu making, sparkle fest planned for today).

There is more to littles than just a love of plushies and sparkly things. It’s a certain attitude, and perception of the world. I find it very difficult to describe, but if you have ever met a little, even an atypical one such as myself, you will know what I’m talking about. I could go into the backstory of how I realized I was a little, but that’s for a different time. Suffice it to say, that being a little has been a fundamental part of my personality for as long as I can remember, though I didn’t have a word for it until a few years ago. On the other hand, being dominant and being a leader is also a fundamental part of who I am.

Enter the second part of that exchange: Phoenix. He is a service-oriented submissive, but he is also very traditionally masculine, and protective. I hesitate to call him nurturing, because that word doesn’t completely apply to him, and that’s okay with me. When I am sick or in pain (and I live in chronic pain), I don’t really want someone spoon-feeding me soup or fawning over me. Just let me suffer in peace.

So what does service-oriented look like for us? Well, like I mentioned in the conversation, Phoenix takes care of the pesky adult things for me, like making sure bills get paid, trash gets taken out, etc. For him, this is a way of “taking care” of me. For me, it allows me to enjoy my little-space without a nagging worry in the back of my head that I’m forgetting something. Phoenix also does traditional service tasks like foot rubs, and running my bath, and *gasp* making me a sandwich. Sexually, I lead. I decide when and how we will have sex, what (if any) kink will come into play that night, and when he will be allowed to have an orgasm.

The last thing I mentioned is that Phoenix does not view himself as a Daddy, though sometimes I do. Phoenix, in his own words, is just Phoenix. There is nothing more or less to him than who he is. And no, he is not the stereotypical Daddy that you hear so much about in the plethora of ddlg writings, but then, I am not the stereotypical little.

I do have a mentor who fits the bill of stereotypical Daddy, and in fact, he was my Daddy when I lived near him. While I was submissive to him, and still would be if we were in a relationship, he recognized very quickly that I was dominant. He does not mentor my little nature. He mentors me as a dominant, but does it in a way that my little side understands. Maybe I am a little that “grew up”, but never stopped being Daddy’s princess.

When a Dominant Kneels

When you think of kneeling in front of someone, do you automatically think of submission? I know I used to.

While kneeling certainly can be an outward display of submission, it is so much more. When you kneel before someone, you are showing them that you cherish, honor, and respect them. There is a tenderness that comes with the act of kneeling.

The kneeling Dominant is such a powerful image, as they kneel before their submissive to help them tie shoe, to steady them as they get undressed, or just to be at eye level with they while they soak in the tub.

When a Dominant kneels, they are showing they partner that they are valued. They are more than a toy to them. Their strength is in their humility.

A Dominant Little

I am aware that the most typical dynamic for  a little to find themselves in is that of a caregiver/little, with the little as the submissive partner. While there is nothing wrong with that dynamic, and indeed, it is one that I have been in myself, that is not what being a little is to me.

For me, being little is a fundamental part of my personality. I enjoy many stereotypical “little” things, such as coloring, Disney movies, hair bows, hot wheels, and Happy Meals. I don’t stop being little just because I engage in “adult” activities. I am just as easily distracted by a butterfly at the park as I am by a shiny bauble at the bar. This does not change my ability to rationalize and function as an adult. It simply changes how I process things within my own head.

Being a dominant is a function of my relationship with my knight, and of my sexuality. I am a sensual sadist and a rigger. So, how does being little fit into that? Perhaps Phoenix could answer that question better than I, as he is on the receiving end of it, but I will do my best by providing some examples.

In dominant headspace, I am focused intently on my submissive. However, my rope (of which I have multiple colors) often end in bows. My crop is rainbow colored. Grunts of pain are likely to produce a most decidedly undignified giggle from me. This does not make me a less effective dominant. It does, however, make me not for everyone. Those that know me well and play with me understand that a giggle is a sign of delighted amusement.

I put the fun in “fucking fun”.