Day 12: Write about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, write about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

About a week ago, Phoenix and I had just wrapped up a scene where I had left rather large welts on his butt. I had provided aftercare in the form of soothing, cool lotion across the welts, and as I traced them gently with my finger I giggled a bit. I was rather pleased with the efforts, and that pleasure is usually expressed in mischievous giggles.

I lay sprawled on the bed while he sat in the chair next to the bed and propped his feet up, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette, as is his post-scene ritual. I gently ran my fingers along his feet and ankles, enjoying the touch and feeling of closeness without feeling smothered. While doing this, I noticed that he had a small spot near his ankle that looked like a healing blister or scratch. The skin was dry and peeling.

I immediately became concerned, and as I ran my finger over it, I looked up at him and said, “You have an owie”. He chuckled and said, “Yes, I have a whole ass full of them.” Becoming distressed, I pointed out the owie on his ankle and kissed it better. Leave it to a dominant little to giggle at the welts and become distraught over an unknown, small owie.

P.S. I later discovered it was not an owie at all, but dried cum. Don’t ask how we get cum on his leg regularly, but it happens.

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink? (I.E: SSC, RACK, morality, etc)

Just a small bit of 101 here:

SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual – A philosophy of engaging in BDSM activity that emphasizes safety, and the mental state of participants prior to starting a scene.

RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink – A philosophy of engaging in BDSM activity that emphasizes the inherent risk to many of the activities involved in BDSM scenes

Okay, that aside…

I, personally, practice RACK. Even for activities that do not typically fall under the category of “edge play”, there is some level of risk. I can bind someone’s wrists 100 times and have nothing go wrong. But the possibility that something could is ever present. Shit happens. Panic attacks, asthma attacks, sudden gastrointestinal distress….those are extremes, but they do happen. More commonly with bondage you get extremities going numb, the potential for nerve damage if the rope gets pulled to tight, etc. The bottom line is this…no matter how many times you engage in an activity, there is always a risk.

In RACK, it is important that both parties provide informed consent. This means the bottom needs to know what the risks are. The top needs to know if the bottom has any mental or physical conditions that might add to the inherent risk. Even with the best of preparation, sometimes unforeseen things happen. Risk is a part of what we do.

As far as the morality question, the short answer is, in my opinion, morality is relative. I will provide a more detailed explanation of the “morality of kink” in a later post.

Nurturing the Bond of Submission

DSC_0037In a D/s relationship, a strong bond can develop between Dominant and submissive partners that is founded on mutual trust and shared experiences. This bond is like nothing else I have ever felt between myself and another. It is a beautiful, wonderful and sensual connection between two persons that is indescribably joyful. Sadly, I discovered after a relationship dissolved, that the bond which binds together a Dominant and a submissive must be cared for and nurtured in ways that I had not imagined.

Something happened to me as I grew into my submissive role. Something that I did not expect. I found that as my submission to my Dominant partner deepened; I seemed to have given up a part of myself. I cannot speak for other submissives, but for me, I experienced a personal transformation as I grew in my submissive role. I changed as I became a more committed submissive. It was not a change I saw or understood until after the relationship ended.

As a newly enslaved submissive I was enthralled with my D/s relationship and very eager to please my Dominant partner. I found my D/s relationship to be better than I had ever imagined and I wanted to ensure that the relationship continued. My focus, my purpose, was to please my Dominant partner. The more I served Her, the greater the pleasure I felt. The more She rewarded me, the more I wanted to serve Her. This cycle became a feedback mechanism that pushed most sense from my mind. I became focused on keeping the bond that had grown between us.

I became so intent on pleasing my partner and on holding onto that feeling of that bond that I totally ignored the need to nurture and sustain the bond. I embraced the role of the submissive at the expense of my submissive relationship. I turned my mind off only paying attention to what my Dominant partner told me. I ignored an essential component of the D/s relationship, me.

As a submissive, I forgot that I have responsibilities in the relationship. I forgot that I need to act and not just react to my Dominant partner. The lesson I learned is that as the submissive you have a responsibility in ensuring the success of the relationship. The bond of submission must be nurtured and cared for, and it must be nurtured and cared for by you.

This may all seem like common sense to some. In hindsight, it is all too obvious. However, to a submissive entering into the world of kink for the first time, exploring my submissive self for the first time, engaging in a D/s relationship for the first time, and trying to please a Dominant partner for the first time, nothing was obvious, and nothing seemed normal.

To those contemplating entering into a D/s relationship as a submissive and to those already in a D/s relationship as a submissive, don’t forget about your bond with your partner. This bond is precious. This bond sustains and grows the relationship. As a submissive, there is no better feeling in the world but to know the deep joy that fills you when you please your Dominant partner.

Nurture this bond through communication with your partner. Nurture this bond by telling your partner everything. No matter how stupid, no matter how inane, no matter how trivial, say it. Tell your partner like your relationship depends on it because it does.

Day 10: What are your hard limits? Why are these hard limits?

I typically reserve discussions of my personal limits for intimate partners; however, in the interest of providing a discussion of the importance of negotiation and limits, I will talk about one of my hardest limits.

Blood: I have a rock hard limit of blood. Blood freaks me out. I can handle the sight of it in an emergency situation, but I cannot separate the sight of blood from the thought that there is automatically an emergency. Because of this, blood in the bedroom is a hard limit.

What does that mean? It means that I have a responsibility to tell my partner how hard of a limit that is, and to stress to them that not only will I not be drawing any blood or breaking skin, they need to not do so either. Yes, accidents happen. I do bleed. But if they draw blood, they need to do everything they can to make sure I do not see it. Meaning: clean me up before I realize there’s been blood.

Day 9: Is there a kink related song you enjoy? What is it and why does it speak to you?

I don’t know that songs are necessarily intended to be kink related, though some of them definitely have words that stand out to us kinky folks.

My favorite band is Halestorm. The song “Innocence” is one of those songs that likely was not meant to be kinky, however, much of it speaks to the sadist in me.

See it from the outside
Running toward the wall
Seeing from your blinds eye
But you don’t know me at all

I’ve been here
Too many times before
And your tears don’t mean a thing
I only come when you scream
I told you

Just don’t follow me home
You’re just to perfect for my hands to hold
If you choose to stay you’ll throw it all away
And I just want to take your innocence

This is what you wanted
Did I make your dreams come true
Sitting in a corner
Wondering what you got into
You ache for this

You don’t understand
That your tears don’t mean a thing
And I only come when you scream
I told you

Just don’t follow me home
You’re just to perfect for my hands to hold
If you choose to stay you’ll throw it all away
And I just want to take your innocence

There’s no such thing as fate
Only yourself to blame
You never walked away
I told you

Just don’t follow me home
You’re just to perfect for my hands to hold
If you choose to stay you’ll throw it all away
And I just want to take your innocence

Just don’t follow me home
You’re just to perfect for my hands to hold
If you choose to stay you’ll throw it all away
And I just want to take your innocence

And I just want to take your innocence
I just want to take

YouTube Link to “Innocence”

Yes, dear readers, I only come when you scream.

Day 8: Find a kinky image that you find erotic. Why does it appeal to you?

Talllover64, friend and occasional guest blogger on this site, is also a photographer and produces some amazing images. He recently posted one on his FetLife profile. You can find the original image here. Maybe, if we ask nicely, he will allow me to post the photograph here as well.

Update: He has graciously allowed me to post the photograph. Many thanks.

The imagery in this photograph appeals to me for a number of reasons.

1) Although taken from the perspective of a submissive male, and intended to evoke the image of servitude, the image itself is by no means limited to submission. The viewer can see the subject of the photograph as either dominant or submissive, depending on their viewpoint.

2) I love the flowers with the cuffs. It evokes a contrast between sensuality and kink. An almost romanticization of what so many people limit to carnality.

3) Lighting and colours…as a fellow photographer, I love a good picture that combines so many elements so well.

Be Little not a Spoiled Bitch

I read yet another post today about why one shouldn’t leave a little alone. Those posts can be cute. I get it. Unsupervised littles and glitter….well, glitter physics. But what I read was anything but cute. It described temper tantrums, violence, lack of respect for others, and little to no impulse control.

I’m sorry, but did I miss the memo that said that littles were exempt from being rational, sane, adults? If you have so little control of yourself when unsupervised, why would anyone believe you were capable of rationally consenting to sexual activity?

If you want to act that way, that’s on you. But please stop doing it in the name of being little.

Does experience matter?

I responded to a post yesterday about a more experienced submissive than the dominant they were in a relationship with. I have been in that position a couple of different times, so it wasn’t hard to offer advice. However, without derailing their post entirely, I could not in good conscious say all that I had to say on the subject.

Now, we all get into relationships with partners of varying levels of experience compared to our own. It is the nature of everyone being an individual. A person can have years of experience as a rope top or bottom and none in corporeal punishment. There are folks with experience in degradation and humiliation that have no idea how to handle a service oriented submissive though they have always been the dominant in their previous relationships. The comparisons are as numerous as the experiences you can think of.

The question of mentors came up in the replies, and I agreed that they can be useful in having questions answered about specific activities. If you want to learn how to successfully and safely suspend a human in rope bondage, having a mentor that has experience in doing so is definitely going to come in handy. If you stop and think about it, it only makes sense.

What I did not want to say in my comment was there is a whole area of experience that while harder to quantify and define may well be even more important over all. It is not experience in specific activities that I allude to, but rather the experience of living in the mind and body of an individual. This is true for both dominants and submissives. It is impossible for a person to know everything that is in the mind of another. We can come close with communication, but I highly doubt an individual ever divulges all their own deepest, darkest secrets. These individual, and largely internal, experiences do not nullify the fact that they are experiences at all, even if they have only happened in the imagination. The human imagination, combined with a cursory sense of research, is a very powerful thing. After all, it is our imaginations that form our fantasies in the first place, without experience or research. It is this mental adventuring that in fact leads most of us to our respective roles within any lifestyle relationship.

So, back to the question of does experience matter? Yes and no would have to be the only logical answer. If you are only concerned with specific activities, it definitely does, and should. But in terms of a relationship, the emphasis on experience is lessened by the fact that we are all individuals. There is no “One Twue Way” that is going to work for everyone. Each relationship is a unique entity, and should be approached and treated as such. It is not so much about each person’s experience, but the experiences that can be created, shared and enjoyed between two unique individuals.