Day 30: What lessons are you learning now that you don’t want to forget?

  1. Take time for yourself. It’s okay to step back from kink if you need/want.
  2. Labels belong on soup cans, not people.
  3. Take care of yourself. You cannot be an effective dominant if you are not feeling well.
  4. Communicate your needs, but know the difference between needs and wants.
  5. Don’t worry if others don’t understand. The only one that needs to accept you is you.
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Day 18: Do you have any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

I have a number of things that irritate me about the community; however, I’m not sure those qualify as kinky/BDSM pet peeves. For what it’s worth I’ll address those irritations.

  1. Using RACK as an excuse to look the other way regarding safety.
    I have recently been to a group that states that they are a RACK group, and that they trust that all involved will be aware of the risks in their activity. While that sounds good on the surface, I observed a number of safety concerns that could be easily remedied. Unsafe equipment was probably the easiest to remedy. The other major concern I had was the repeated welcoming of an individual who had demonstrated predatory behavior, and had a number of complaints against him.
  2. Using “brattiness” as an excuse for poor behavior
    I’ve written a whole rant about this previously, so I won’t bore you all again. Suffice it to say, that being a brat is a kink. It is not welcome when brattiness is imposed on those who do not appreciate it, and using the excuse that: “I’m a brat, I just can’t help myself” – Well, that’s garbage. We are all adults, even brats.
  3. Demanding that those who use a similar label all act similarly.
    I am dominant. I am also little. I recently went to a discussion where the presenter said that being little is a bottom position. Although he was corrected by another group leader, the fact is the stereotype of littles as bottoms is there for a reason. It is the norm. However, we should not impose our definition of a label on anyone but ourselves.

Headspace: The ins and outs for me

I have heard more versions of what headspace is, whether or not it is a good thing, whether it is dangerous or not, etc, than probably the weeks than I have been alive on the planet.  Everyone has their own version.  There is a good reason for this phenomenon:  headspace is intensely personal, and everyone deals with it in their own way.  What I am writing now is NOT to be taken as “This is how headspace should be and what you should do” but rather just me relating my thoughts on it.

With my Lady, I reach many different levels of subspace.  Anywhere from not at all, to gone to the world for an hour or more.  Regardless of the deepness level, I do tend to have a ritual of “self-aftercare” involving a beer and a cigarette.  This in no way means that my Lady does not provide aftercare, or that I do not want it.  She comforts, soothes, does all the things I require during this time, regardless of the level of subspace she has taken me to.

There are times that I get so damn deep into subspace that I would literally be incapable of giving directions to the gas station across the street.  I am completely coherent, I know what is going on, but it all seems far away and frankly the connection between thought and words seems to get disconnected.  I could no more tell my Lady what I need than I could walk outside and jump to the moon.  This is definitely where she shines.  She is attentive, patient, guiding me not out of subspace, but back into the safety of her arms. She gets me to a physically safe place, and then holds and cuddles me until I swim my way back out of subspace into reality.

Yes, coming out of subspace feels like swimming up from a deep lake or pond, for me at least.  All my thoughts are there, but the mental perception of drowning in emotion should I open my mouth is all too real.  All the emotions are good ones, but they are entirely overwhelming when they hit all at once with no filter on them.  Raw love, admiration, respect, gratitude…  I may not have words for all of them, actually.  It is not a case that I do not want these emotions expressed, but I have to have the time to process them myself, which happens in subspace as I am swimming back to reality.

As far as whether or not it is healthy, I’m not a mental health professional.  However, I do know that for me it largely depends on my partner.  If, as with my Lady, I have a caring and understanding partner, I do believe it is an entirely healthy experience.  I get the time to recoup my senses, work through all the thoughts and emotions, and most often our night continues.  I have been with partners who were not at all caring or understanding.  They viewed subspace as taking me away from them and having their accolades sung by me for the job they did, which I suppose in a certain sense it does. With them, I actively did everything I could to avoid losing myself to the experience, and thus to subspace, because the outcome was invariably unhealthily filled with guilt, shame and pressure.  The only answer I can truly give is the overall feeling I have the next day, good or bad, of the experience in total is what determines its health for me.

So, in closing, should everyone strive to find their own headspace?  I believe so, but I strongly caution for you to allow your own relationship, and your own mind, dictate what it looks and feels like.  To me, my subspace is in invaluable tool in determining if I liked, loved, or hated the activities that happened to send me there.  During the actual scene, and immediately afterward, I am too involved in my own physical feelings to recognize any mental sides to it.  It is the process of subspace that gives me clarity to the overall situation.  Not immediately after I come back to earth, certainly, but after reflection with a clear head the next day.

I know I have written this almost exclusively from a subspace perspective.  That is the headspace I have the most experience with personally.  However, I do recognize there are others, such as domspace and little space, which require elements of care from the partner not in them.  But as my experience with them is extremely limited or non-existent, I will leave it for someone else to expound on them.  All states of altered perception require a caring, understanding hand from the other partner to be healthy in my opinion.

What is sex? What is kink?

First, sorry about my absence the past couple of days.  I had to take a short break after finishing the series to get my head back out of the past and into the present.

That being said, I have this question bouncing around in my head.  I have had it for a while now, actually.  You see, I define basically anything I do sexually just as “sex”. Basically, if it is an activity that I cannot, or prefer not to, do fully clothed it is sex.  This ranges from cuddles to oral sex to ass beatings to bondage.  Obviously, my definition of sex is rather expanded from the normal found in society.

With this expanded definition it is a fair question to ask what, if anything, I define as kink.  Kink for me are things that are not overtly sexual in nature, but given my brain and my relationship dynamic turn into almost a form of light foreplay.  Giving Malady a foot rub is a kink to me.  I can do it clothed or not, and since I don’t have a foot fetish per se, they rarely lead directly to sex or turn me on.  Surprisingly, I have far fewer actual kinks than most people give me credit for.

So do I adjust either definition in an attempt to even things out a bit?  No, I think I’m good and I really am alright with not being overly kinky.  Because let’s face it, my sex life is fantastic!

Preference does not mean Prejudice

Preference: a greater liking for one alternative over another or others

Prejudice: an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason

Racism: prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one’s own race is superior

I saw a post today that asked why so many people were openly racist. They then said that they based this accusation of racism on the fact that many people openly state that they will not date outside of their race, or someone of a specific race.

Now, it is entirely possible that someone who makes a qualification of race as dating criteria may be racist, but simply being sexually attracted to a particular race and not to another is not racism. It’s a sexual preference.

I am attracted to white males over the age of 40. It doesn’t mean I hate anyone not in that category, or that I find myself superior to them. It just means I don’t particularly want to fuck them.

A friend of mine is a straight male and does not find himself attracted to trans-women or to men. It doesn’t mean he’s misogynist, or trans-phobic, or homophobic. It just means he doesn’t want to fuck people in that group.

Another friend of mine is only attracted to people with an above average intelligence. He doesn’t hate people with average intelligence. He just doesn’t want to fuck them.

See where I’m going with this?

If I say I don’t want to fuck a Brit, I might hate Brits…or maybe I just don’t want to hear a British accent while I’m getting my rocks off. (BTW, before all my Brit friends grab pitchforks…that was totally hypothetical).

If I say I don’t want to fuck a woman, I might hate women…or maybe I just don’t want to touch another woman’s vagina.

So before you get butt hurt and claim someone is racist, or homophobic, or whatever accusation you might lay down, consider that you have sexual preferences too. What are yours based on?

What puts the kink in kinky?

Before we can actually get into this, we have to decide what is and what is not kink. According to Urban Dictionary the definition of kink is:

Noun – kink
Plural – kinks
As in “a kink”.  Sexual tastes for a person. Usually a kink is an unusual taste in sexual behaviour.

Alright, I can live with that, somewhat.  Now, I do not use Urban Dictionary if I need an actual definition of a word, but it does come in useful when you are trying to figure out how a particular word is being defined by people outside of academia.  So let’s have some fun with this.

If we take this definition one step further, and take the use of “unusual” to mean “not everyone is doing it”, there are some rather obvious sexual kinks.  Fisting, orgies and sex in public being just a sample that quickly come to mind.  But what about some of the other activities?

I know plenty of people who adamantly oppose oral sex.  It doesn’t seem to matter if they are in the lifestyle or not.  Does that mean oral sex, giving or receiving, is a kink?  Or is the opposition to it the actual kink at this point?

What about sex in the traditional missionary position?  This is certainly unusual for me, so can I consider anyone who does partake in it to be kinky?  Or do I have to wait until they are having missionary sex while wearing cartoon animal hats?

Which brings up another question.  Who exactly gets to decide what is kink and what is not?  Is there a Kink Commission somewhere in a dark corner, or is it more of a “general consensus” thing from the public?

Obviously, I do not have answers to any of these questions.  But in a society that looks askew at people who are thought to be kinky, there is one more thing to ponder.  Since the advent of the internet,  and the proliferation of pornography depicting kinky activities thus causing a rise in the amount of people experimenting over the past twenty years or so, missionary sex may very well be the biggest kink of them all at this point.

My Bartender is a Little

As many of you know, I am a little. It is fundamentally part of who I am, yet it has little to nothing to do with my sexuality. The lifestyle simply helped me put a word on what I already was, and find acceptance for it. Since being a little is not tied to my sexuality, I am very out about it. I will openly wear hairbow, watch cartoons, colour, and in general, act, well, little. Because of this, I seem to draw out “little” traits in those around me, as I create an atmosphere of acceptance.

Well, that atmosphere of acceptance has revealed that my favorite bartender is a little. I doubt she has a word for it yet, but the unmistakable traits are there. When we are together, our energy feeds off each other. Last night was one of those nights.

Being a small town bar, Wednesday nights are not very busy, and Phoenix and I deliberately avoid the more crowded times. As we sat at the bar eating our burgers and having a few beers, the bartender (I’ll call her Lily…name clearly changed to protect identities) was making a tutu for her daughter for Easter. I was already aware of Lily’s love of tutus as she wore one to work for St. Patrick’s day.

I thought a hot pink and black tutu would look great with my black tights and a black dinosaur shirt that I have, so I asked her if she could make me one. This led into me browsing tutus on Google images, and after two hours of getting very excited about all things shimmery, sparkly, shiny, and sheer, Lily was clearly excited by someone who shared her enthusiasm for tutus. At some point in the conversation she also told me that she loved My Little Pony, colouring (complete with descriptions of the colouring books she has), and glitter.

Now, the only thing that remains to be seen is whether Phoenix can handle two littles around, as he was completely unaware of what littles were until two months ago.

Why I Don’t Use “Slashspeak”

Many lifestyle authors will use what I call “slashspeak”. To give an example, this is when the author writes a blog, erotica, or other some entry that says something like “W/we are happy to see Y/you.” You will never see me write in that manner. In my opinion it serves no literary convention, and if the reader is unable to determine which party is the dominant party in your writing, then that is a failure of your writing, not of grammatical conventions. Slashspeak is distracting and interrupts the flow of thought.

On that note, I also do not capitalize dominant with any consistency, though I have been known to attempt to do so in forums where it is the accepted convention. I also do not capitalize ‘you’, ‘her’, ‘him’, or any other such pronouns. I was raised in a very conventional Christian home, where the only time a pronoun was capitalize was when it was used to refer to God (big G, as opposed to the other gods in the pantheon who were granted a little g). Although I am not a practicing Christian, I still cannot mentally override that ingrained quirk of capitalization, and I do not see any human as a deity. Therefore, it creates a mental block to see pronouns capitalized.

Fucking Fun

Vanilla vs Kink, 24/7 vs Scenes, Bedroom vs Dynamic, Missionary vs Doggie Style, Fellatio vs Cunnilingus, Waffles vs Pancakes (oops, wrong list), Syrup vs Chocolate sauce (yes, right list)

These debates, and many more, happen on a daily (if not hourly) basis in the lifestyle community it seems. Funny thing is, it’s not even a true debate. Debates have scopes, rules, and an eventual winner. We are talking about major parts of people’s lives with these things. So I have a question? And a serious one at that.

When can we all realize that we are just talking about sex? Human, natural, organic, emotional, scream until the paint peels off the walls SEX?

That’s all it is. Truly. Yes, those of us in the lifestyle have a larger sexual vocabulary, and a few more labels. We do things for pleasure beyond what many have ever even thought about. I mean, let’s be honest, here. I sit in the break room at work listening to guys a decade older talk about their annual prostate exam or colonoscopy. For them, it’s retelling an unpleasant doctor visit complete with unattractive male nurse doing the prep. For me, I’m half erect thinking back on last night and where my SO’s fingers (and more) were.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know there is a time, place and venue for all discussions. I’m no more likely to sit in said break room recounting vivid details of my more vanilla sexual activities than I am to be touting the virtues of mind numbing awareness that comes with subspace. But I do realize that it is all about sex, and I find many people don’t.

There is much to sneer at about the “One Twue Way” professors, and I’m right along beside everyone sneering. But I came to a realization the other day. You ready?

There is One Twue Way…

HAVE FUCKING FUN! (pun definitely intended)

That is the “One Twue Way.” That is the way it is supposed to be. It’s sex! If it wasn’t fucking fun, we mere humans would not be rivaling the rabbits as the fucking horniest species on the planet! Yes, I know, it’s supposed to be for reproduction and survival of the species. Yep, got that covered, my last name will live on. So, now it’s just fucking fun! And I don’t give a rat’s ass or a bunny’s tail if your version of fucking fun is missionary three times a week with the Mrs. or trying for the ever elusive “Hail Mary, Full of Grace” orgasm at the full extension of the bungee cord after jumping off the Royal Gorge Bridge with anyone and everyone you can talk into the joyride! As long as your having fucking fun!

In all seriousness, it’s sex. The rest is just labeling bullshit that clouds the mind and hides the fun.