Fantasy BDSM is often fueled by erotica, whether that be writing or imagery, and porn. What gets portrayed is often the grand finale. The beauty of a woman suspended from the ceiling, unable to free herself. The bright red welts left behind from a solid cane. The painful contortions made possible in CBT.
What all of that imagery misses is the build up. The rope that took an hour to tie. The slow warm-up to make the recipient able to withstand and enjoy the welts. The gentle manipulations to get the testicles in a position to be hurt but not injured.
What it also misses are the bad days. The days when your limits are no where near where they usually are. The days when the slightest touch make you flinch. The emotionally unstable days, when you can’t tell up from down.
Reality, for me, is about connecting to my partner. Yes, that can, and often does lead to some intense and amazingly erotic moments. But it also includes the mundane days. The days when he doesn’t feel like doing his chores. The days when I don’t feel like making decisions. Reality also includes the downright bad days. The days when chronic fatigue just won’t shake its hold and I barely feel capable of standing up, much less being dominant. The days when depression hits him, and he needs me to hold him not beat him. This is reality. He is first my love, then my sub. I would not have his submission without his love.