Day 10: What are your hard limits? Why are these hard limits?

I typically reserve discussions of my personal limits for intimate partners; however, in the interest of providing a discussion of the importance of negotiation and limits, I will talk about one of my hardest limits.

Blood: I have a rock hard limit of blood. Blood freaks me out. I can handle the sight of it in an emergency situation, but I cannot separate the sight of blood from the thought that there is automatically an emergency. Because of this, blood in the bedroom is a hard limit.

What does that mean? It means that I have a responsibility to tell my partner how hard of a limit that is, and to stress to them that not only will I not be drawing any blood or breaking skin, they need to not do so either. Yes, accidents happen. I do bleed. But if they draw blood, they need to do everything they can to make sure I do not see it. Meaning: clean me up before I realize there’s been blood.

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Day 7: What’s your favorite sex toy?

I love toys. Floggers, crops, rope, vibrators, dildos, plugs. They are all amazing. But my all time favorite sex toy is my partner. No toy matters nearly as much without someone to enjoy it with.

30 Days of Kink: Day 3

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I have to say that I actually discovered kink as an adult holistically through porn and erotica.  The internet came to the world outside of academia when I was in my early twenties, and being a horny little bugger, I was all over that in a heartbeat!  But a curious thing happened, I was turned on by the vanilla mainstream porn, but found that I was really turned on by the BDSM and lifestyle porn.  This led me down a road of research and self exploration that I continue to travel to this day, and hopefully will continue to do so until the day I cease to exist.

30 Days of Kink: Day 2

Day 2: If you could only indulge one kink, what would it be and why?

I would have to say ass play.  It is my foremost kink and fetish and always has been.  I love everything about it.  It gets the point that if I go long enough without it, I get a definable “empty” feeling and itch.  This is not just a physical feeling, but psychologically as well.  I can have all the vanilla sex I want, and eventually the thought of ass play is going to creep in and basically take over my brain until it happens.

What is sex? What is kink?

First, sorry about my absence the past couple of days.  I had to take a short break after finishing the series to get my head back out of the past and into the present.

That being said, I have this question bouncing around in my head.  I have had it for a while now, actually.  You see, I define basically anything I do sexually just as “sex”. Basically, if it is an activity that I cannot, or prefer not to, do fully clothed it is sex.  This ranges from cuddles to oral sex to ass beatings to bondage.  Obviously, my definition of sex is rather expanded from the normal found in society.

With this expanded definition it is a fair question to ask what, if anything, I define as kink.  Kink for me are things that are not overtly sexual in nature, but given my brain and my relationship dynamic turn into almost a form of light foreplay.  Giving Malady a foot rub is a kink to me.  I can do it clothed or not, and since I don’t have a foot fetish per se, they rarely lead directly to sex or turn me on.  Surprisingly, I have far fewer actual kinks than most people give me credit for.

So do I adjust either definition in an attempt to even things out a bit?  No, I think I’m good and I really am alright with not being overly kinky.  Because let’s face it, my sex life is fantastic!

Preference does not mean Prejudice

Preference: a greater liking for one alternative over another or others

Prejudice: an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason

Racism: prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one’s own race is superior

I saw a post today that asked why so many people were openly racist. They then said that they based this accusation of racism on the fact that many people openly state that they will not date outside of their race, or someone of a specific race.

Now, it is entirely possible that someone who makes a qualification of race as dating criteria may be racist, but simply being sexually attracted to a particular race and not to another is not racism. It’s a sexual preference.

I am attracted to white males over the age of 40. It doesn’t mean I hate anyone not in that category, or that I find myself superior to them. It just means I don’t particularly want to fuck them.

A friend of mine is a straight male and does not find himself attracted to trans-women or to men. It doesn’t mean he’s misogynist, or trans-phobic, or homophobic. It just means he doesn’t want to fuck people in that group.

Another friend of mine is only attracted to people with an above average intelligence. He doesn’t hate people with average intelligence. He just doesn’t want to fuck them.

See where I’m going with this?

If I say I don’t want to fuck a Brit, I might hate Brits…or maybe I just don’t want to hear a British accent while I’m getting my rocks off. (BTW, before all my Brit friends grab pitchforks…that was totally hypothetical).

If I say I don’t want to fuck a woman, I might hate women…or maybe I just don’t want to touch another woman’s vagina.

So before you get butt hurt and claim someone is racist, or homophobic, or whatever accusation you might lay down, consider that you have sexual preferences too. What are yours based on?

Day 2: If you could only indulge one kink, what would it be and why?

Ooof. This is a tough one, since I have so many kinks, and desires. Since, by my own rules, I’m only allowed to pick one for the purpose of this writing, let me see….hmmmm.

If I only had to pick one, I’d probably go with ass play. Strap-ons, vibrators, fingers, fists….I love anal play. I definitely prefer plugs and fingers over strap-ons. Strap-ons are unwieldy, and not particularly comfortable for me. A guy that wasn’t into anal play is definitely a deal-breaker for me.

Day 1: How do you label yourself, and why? What interests you about BDSM/kink? What does BDSM mean to you, personally?

How do I label myself?: That one is a bit tricky for me. I am dominant. I am little. I do not consider myself to be a switch, but I do like being a bottom at times.

I am a Princess. I am Daddy’s sweet little princess. I am my knight’s Lady. I strive to carry myself with the self-respect and poise of a Lady, though I am still working on that.

What interests me about BDSM/kink?: Kink, for me, is about my sexuality. It’s part of what I enjoy. I love the intense sensations that come from kink, whether as a top or bottom. BDSM for me is only partially about kink. It’s also about the d/s dynamic.

What does BDSM mean to you personally?: Beyond the obvious acronym meaning, BDSM for me is about the structure provided by a d/s dynamic. The communication needed in the interplay between a top and bottom. The commitment to one’s partner to ensure their needs are met safely.

What puts the kink in kinky?

Before we can actually get into this, we have to decide what is and what is not kink. According to Urban Dictionary the definition of kink is:

Noun – kink
Plural – kinks
As in “a kink”.  Sexual tastes for a person. Usually a kink is an unusual taste in sexual behaviour.

Alright, I can live with that, somewhat.  Now, I do not use Urban Dictionary if I need an actual definition of a word, but it does come in useful when you are trying to figure out how a particular word is being defined by people outside of academia.  So let’s have some fun with this.

If we take this definition one step further, and take the use of “unusual” to mean “not everyone is doing it”, there are some rather obvious sexual kinks.  Fisting, orgies and sex in public being just a sample that quickly come to mind.  But what about some of the other activities?

I know plenty of people who adamantly oppose oral sex.  It doesn’t seem to matter if they are in the lifestyle or not.  Does that mean oral sex, giving or receiving, is a kink?  Or is the opposition to it the actual kink at this point?

What about sex in the traditional missionary position?  This is certainly unusual for me, so can I consider anyone who does partake in it to be kinky?  Or do I have to wait until they are having missionary sex while wearing cartoon animal hats?

Which brings up another question.  Who exactly gets to decide what is kink and what is not?  Is there a Kink Commission somewhere in a dark corner, or is it more of a “general consensus” thing from the public?

Obviously, I do not have answers to any of these questions.  But in a society that looks askew at people who are thought to be kinky, there is one more thing to ponder.  Since the advent of the internet,  and the proliferation of pornography depicting kinky activities thus causing a rise in the amount of people experimenting over the past twenty years or so, missionary sex may very well be the biggest kink of them all at this point.

Rope Bottoming

After attending a party with my Lady, she made a curious comment:  “People aren’t used to seeing a good rope bottom.”  Frankly, it never occurred to me that the people were even paying attention to me, I figured everyone was paying attention to what she was doing.  As with many comments, I started thinking about it, so here is what I can say about it.

I do not know that I am a good rope bottom.  That is up to the individual opinion of the rope top, in my mind.  But she said it, so I’ll go with it.  But there are things that I am conscious of while being tied, and things I do that make it easier for the top.  So I will try my best to explain those here.

A quick note on safety for rope bottoms.  General trust is not going to suffice when it comes to rope and bondage, in my opinion.  Rope bottoms need to research aspects of this type of play just as much as tops.  No, bottoms will probably never become as proficient as a good top due to a lack of practice tying people, but knowledge of what is going to happen, the basic techniques, where the rope should and should not be, etc., is the bottom’s best assurance of pleasurable experience.

So, here are some tips from a rope bottom to other rope bottoms to make the experience as good as it can be for both:

First, have patience.  A lot of patience, in fact.  Done right, binding someone in rope is not a quick process if we are going beyond arms and legs tied to the bed spread-eagle. Whether you are standing, sitting, kneeling or laying down, it takes time for the top to move around you, clear their ends, check their passes and decide their next move.  Give them the time with you calm patience.  You will be rewarded with a much more comfortable bondage experience.

Second, do not move.  Obviously, if your top asks for you to put your arms behind you, do so.  What I am referring to is fidgeting, not holding a position, scratching your nose, armpit or ass.  Basically, you want to try to eliminate any movement if not directed by your top.  Try sitting at home, alone, and concentrate on not moving.  You will find it harder than it sounds.  You get thirsty, and your drink is right there.  The mental thought of “don’t move” seems to make ever odd place on my body itch.  Start slow, see how long you can make it without moving, then strive for a longer time the next time.

Third, try not to flex the muscles in the area your top is working on.  As a male rope bottom, I can say with certainty that if my Lady is working on my upper body and arms, I could make everything basically futile by flexing my back muscles.  Rope bondage relies on tension, so if I were to flex while you are making passes around my back, when I relax they fall into a puddle around my waist.

Fourth, pay attention.  Your top will be clearing their ends.  It keeps them able to continue binding you instead of dealing with a rats nest of twisted, knotted rope.  This is a great opportunity for you to enjoy the sensations.  Rope bondage is not all about the final position, but the journey of getting there.  The feel of the rope dragging across your skin can be quite enticing and intoxicating.  Enjoy it.

Fifth, relax.  I fully realize this is more difficult as the intricacies increase, or the positions become more strenuous.  However, the more relaxed you can be during the process, the easier it will be to remain in the positions your top asks of your body.  Tight, tensed muscles will not generally relax once bound in place.  Generally, muscles in this state will simply start to cramp, on occasion severely.  Relaxed muscles, on the other hand, allow your joints to move freely, and are much less prone to premature cramping.

There is a start.  There is much more to be said, but I will take the time to reiterate my early thoughts on safety.  Know the rope top you are submitting to, the style of bondage he or she uses, and have a basic knowledge of that style.  I love being bound in rope.  I wish everyone could feel the way I do when I cannot move.  More importantly, though, is that everyone does everything they can to remain safe.