Nurturing the Bond of Submission

DSC_0037In a D/s relationship, a strong bond can develop between Dominant and submissive partners that is founded on mutual trust and shared experiences. This bond is like nothing else I have ever felt between myself and another. It is a beautiful, wonderful and sensual connection between two persons that is indescribably joyful. Sadly, I discovered after a relationship dissolved, that the bond which binds together a Dominant and a submissive must be cared for and nurtured in ways that I had not imagined.

Something happened to me as I grew into my submissive role. Something that I did not expect. I found that as my submission to my Dominant partner deepened; I seemed to have given up a part of myself. I cannot speak for other submissives, but for me, I experienced a personal transformation as I grew in my submissive role. I changed as I became a more committed submissive. It was not a change I saw or understood until after the relationship ended.

As a newly enslaved submissive I was enthralled with my D/s relationship and very eager to please my Dominant partner. I found my D/s relationship to be better than I had ever imagined and I wanted to ensure that the relationship continued. My focus, my purpose, was to please my Dominant partner. The more I served Her, the greater the pleasure I felt. The more She rewarded me, the more I wanted to serve Her. This cycle became a feedback mechanism that pushed most sense from my mind. I became focused on keeping the bond that had grown between us.

I became so intent on pleasing my partner and on holding onto that feeling of that bond that I totally ignored the need to nurture and sustain the bond. I embraced the role of the submissive at the expense of my submissive relationship. I turned my mind off only paying attention to what my Dominant partner told me. I ignored an essential component of the D/s relationship, me.

As a submissive, I forgot that I have responsibilities in the relationship. I forgot that I need to act and not just react to my Dominant partner. The lesson I learned is that as the submissive you have a responsibility in ensuring the success of the relationship. The bond of submission must be nurtured and cared for, and it must be nurtured and cared for by you.

This may all seem like common sense to some. In hindsight, it is all too obvious. However, to a submissive entering into the world of kink for the first time, exploring my submissive self for the first time, engaging in a D/s relationship for the first time, and trying to please a Dominant partner for the first time, nothing was obvious, and nothing seemed normal.

To those contemplating entering into a D/s relationship as a submissive and to those already in a D/s relationship as a submissive, don’t forget about your bond with your partner. This bond is precious. This bond sustains and grows the relationship. As a submissive, there is no better feeling in the world but to know the deep joy that fills you when you please your Dominant partner.

Nurture this bond through communication with your partner. Nurture this bond by telling your partner everything. No matter how stupid, no matter how inane, no matter how trivial, say it. Tell your partner like your relationship depends on it because it does.

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Learning from my Mistake: D/s Communication for the submissive

Studio Session 4-29-170713The most vivid and vital lessons of our lives can be gleaned from what we learn from our mistakes. Trial and error, especially realized error, can help us prevent further mistakes, or at the very least, minimize our misguided ways in the future. When shared with others, our mistakes can be the lessons passed on to persons in similar situations or roles. This is one of these hard-learned lessons in my role as a submissive male that I pass along and share with you.

As a first-time male submissive I eagerly enjoined into a D/s relationship with a wonderful and beautiful Domme. It was an intoxicating experience that exceeded my wildest dreams. My Dominant partner worked tirelessly to ensure my happiness as a submissive and take all appropriate care to ensure my consent and provide me opportunities for communication. Her advice was relevant, timely, and germane to every situation. Unfortunately, her advice fell on deaf ears.

There are many things you are willing to give up as a submissive male. You give of yourself in so many ways. In the power exchange of the D/s relationship, the submissive male consensually gives of himself to the needs or pleasures of his Dominant partner. The giving could be the innate nature of the submissive or part of the joy the submissive receives from giving of himself. After a while, the giving becomes second nature and submissive may be willing to give more and more to please his partner.

There are two things that a submissive male must never surrender. The first is his consent. As a submissive, you always possess the power to say no. In a healthy and functioning D/s relationship the submissive male always retains that power. In my relationship, I never forgot the power of my of consent. There were times when I gave my consent to cross boundaries or to go beyond where I had expected. I had absolute trust in my partner that my consent would never be violated.

The second thing a submissive male must never surrender is his right and ability to communicate. Communication is a vital and essential pillar of the D/s relationship. A failure to communicate to your partner can lead to a lack of trust. A lack of trust or a failure of communication can lead to the end of the D/s relationship. This was my failing. I failed to communicate to my partner. I was not truthful and the relationship rightfully ended.

So what happened? I will present some causes here, but they are not meant as excuses. These explanations are here for your edification and to prevent you from making the same errors I did. Think about them, dwell on them, and for heaven’s sake, don’t do what I did!

So how does communication breakdown in a D/s relationship? A submissive is focused pleasing his partner. The nature of the submissive male is often focused on pleasing another rather than pleasing himself. Sometimes a submissive can get caught up in the need or the desire to make his partner happy. The need to please can begin to affect the submissive male in some unexpected ways.

Rather than focus on communicating his needs, the submissive might begin to hold back information, withhold his feelings. The submissive might begin to tell his partner only what he thinks she wants to hear. The need for the submissive male to please is a strong inner drive that can begin to mask his true feelings.

Rather than true and open communication, the submissive male begins to parse out pieces of information, only giving the pieces he thinks his partner wants to hear. The result is the submissive male is not being truthful with his known wants and needs and thereby not being with honest with his partner. This is a tragic failing for the D/s relationship.

Another tragic communication failure is in limiting what is communicated to your partner. As a submissive male you might wonder what is appropriate to communicate to your Dominant partner and what is appropriate not to tell your partner. The simplistic answer is, tell her everything. In this case, the simplistic answer is the correct answer. Tell her everything.

Why would you limit what you want to tell your Dominant partner? Why would you not tell her everything? Fear, plain and simple. Fear of losing the kink, fear of losing the joy, fear of losing the pleasure of servitude. If you tell your Dominant partner everything, will you lose her? Fear stops communication. The great irony is that my fear not only stopped my communication, but it also stopped my relationship.

So what is a submissive male to do? Communicate! Tell everything. A true D/s relationship requires absolute trust. You trust your partner when engage in play. I trusted my partner with every part of my body. Bound, immobile, helpless, used, spanked, hurt, or more, I knew that she would always respect my consent, my needs, my wants. I needed to translate that trust in play to trust in communication. You need to communicate everything instead of what you think you need to communicate.

Lessons learned. Lessons you don’t have to learn the way I did. Instead, learn from these words, learn from my experiences. Communication in a D/s relationship is paramount. Tell everything. Tell it all. Trust her in your mind just as you trust her in play. Never give up your right to communication. Never give up your right to speak your mind. Never doubt that you will be heard. Enjoy your kink and enjoy an open, lasting, trusting, D/s experience as a submissive male.

My Journey to Being a Masculine Submissive

I honestly don’t know how many folks in my day to day life would ever think of me as being submissive about anything, much less to anyone.  It has to do with the outward personality that I have around other people I don’t know, or their misinterpretation of it. I do not have a “meek” or “submissive” posture when in public, and I’m quiet, perfectly content to watch the interactions of others long before feeling the desire to join in.

I have in the past been accused of being a “fake” submissive, whatever that means.  I view myself, and know myself to be, a sexual submissive, which does not necessarily include the other aspects (work, family, social events) of my life.  So, the question is: How in the world did I get here?

First, let me say that to understand the journey, you have to have a complete picture of it. Accordingly, this is going to be a series of posts, hopefully each tackling a specific time of my life, and the results thereof.

On to Part One:

I was introduced to BDSM at a very early, and frankly unacceptable, age.  I was six, in fact.  Obviously, I didn’t know an acronym for what I was seeing, certainly was not “turned on” by it, but it is my earliest recollection.  It would have been one thing if it had been something that I had “walked in” on, as children are apt to do in the middle of the night at inopportune moments.  It was not.  It was mid-afternoon on a sunny Saturday and I was “invited” to join in.

I am the product of an extremely abusive childhood.  I do not point it out as a ploy for sympathy.  It is just a fact.  I also do not point it out so that people can have a reason for the way I am.  I am the way I am because of my brain, years of introspection and professional therapy.  I grew up in a house that was sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abusive, by both parents.  They each seemed to have their own areas of expertise when it came to abusing people.  My sibling and I have both dealt with our having experienced all of these in our own ways, with varying degrees of success.

The worst thing to come out of my childhood is the fact that as an adult I have do not have a meaningful relationship with a single member of my biological family, including my sibling.  It is not that they ostracized me on purpose, but conversations with them always revert in some what to my childhood.  I cannot seem to get them to recognize as me as an adult, probably because the conversations are painful, for all involved, therefore they get the idea that I have not fully dealt with my past.  I have, there is no real emotional involvement for me anymore. I just do not like being reminded of it every time I talk to them, and I see no reason to remind them either.  However, I have found myself as an adult in the position of needing to “find” or “make” my own family.  But that will come later on in the series.

The question of how much influence being exposed to BDSM at such an early age has had upon me subconsciously is a valid one.  I do not honestly know.  At least, I do not know the full impact of this first exposure since it was a singular event.  I know it is a memory, a quite vivid one actually, that has never dimmed.  At this point, I acknowledge that in one way or another my upbringing is what made me into the man that I am today. I am sure this episode has had an impact, I would be a fool not to think so.  I just cannot quantify it in any meaningful way.

Don’t Forget to Think About Yourself

A note from Malady: I want to thank Talllover64 for his gracious contribution to this blog. I adore guest bloggers, and welcome their views.

I had the most wonderful opportunity to serve a beautiful Woman for six months. As I now contemplate how I might serve another, and improve my service, the advice I would give to myself is don’t forget to think about yourself. I am not talking about the selfish thinking about yourself – I did enough of that. I now realize that I did not ask enough questions about myself. I have created a short list of questions to ask myself from time to time. I am sure I will think of more questions later…

1. How am I doing in the relationship?
2. Are my needs being met?
3. How do I feel?
4. What haven’t I said out loud?
5. Have I said stop or no recently?

Submission is a partnership. I used to think that submission was blindly giving of yourself to another. Instead, I now think of submission as thoughtful giving of yourself to another. A submissive who gives and gives without thinking about how they are contributing to the D/s relationship is not being truthful to themselves or to their partner.

One could easily state that these questions are no different than the questions anyone should ask themselves in typical or regular relationship, and that is true. A D/s relationship is a relationship. Sometimes there is a mystique about BDSM relationships, that they are somehow different than a normal relationship. I would argue that a BDSM relationship is significantly different than a normal relationship.

A D/s relationship requires a higher level of trust and communication than other relationships. Participants are often pushed to, and sometimes past, physical, psychological, and sexual boundaries. Many people become complacent in normal relationships. In a D/s or BDSM relationship, there can be no room for complacency as it may lead to physical, psychological, or sexual pain.

So from a typical relationship point of view, these questions seem like common sense. From a D/s relationship point of view, these questions are essential and at the core of a healthy and safe relationship. Don’t ever forget to think about yourself.

A Knight’s Submission

The following essay was written by a man who goes by the name Naamaire, and has been reposted here with his permission. It is a beautiful depiction both of submissive knighthood, and the struggle a knight often goes through in accepting his submission.

I resisted labeling myself as a “male submissive” for a long time because my only real exposure to the concept was from femdomme erotic fiction which is, let’s be honest, mostly garbage. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of it makes me hot, but it tends not to be based in anything that real people could do for very long.

The stereotype is of men who are weak and stupid and easy to kick around, and women who hate men, or at least hate the men who submit to them. There are exceptions, of course, and the exceptions are getting more prevalent as more erotic fiction is written by people who are actually in the lifestyle.

But I think folks can understand how a guy like me could think, “I’m not a male submissive–those guys are losers!”

Then I realized that I can define a “male submissive” as a strong man who is dedicated to the comfort, pleasure, and well-being of a deserving woman, and if guys who want to think of themselves as worthless worms have a problem with that I’ll just kick their asses.

See, in my daydreams about the ruthless (and, since they are my daydreams, leather-clad) queen who rules the land with an iron fist, crushing any opposition to her whims, I’m not the sorry spectacle who is dragged before her in chains, I’m the badass in the spiked armor standing behind her throne.

I don’t kneel because I’m weak. I kneel because strength bows to authority. Who wants to own something that’s worthless? I am precious. I am competent and strong and skilled and fucking dangerous.

I am a dragon on a leash, and it takes an enchantress who is wise and fearless to hold my lead. I will look up at her with all the fires of hell in my eyes, and she will look down at me and know that the force of her will has captured a gleaming-edged weapon for her use.

You’re not pushing me down, I’m lifting you up. I bow my head to be mounted only by magnificence, and I will bear your weight, and spread my great black wings, and together, my strength and your control, we will rain fire down upon your enemies.

I ask for one thing only: let me be perfect for you. Push me, drive me, take me past the places where ordinary men fail. Trust in my strength, and in your own wisdom, dig in your spurs, and we shall ride like the wind.